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[29 Nov 2005|07:36pm] |
College is going okay. It's different. I feel more broody and alone here then usual. I suppose because I don't ever see Tia or Andy. I don't even know if they went to a different college. I always thought that the three of us would be together no matter what. We'd graduate from El Carro, go to the same college. All that. But now it's just me. I know there are a lot of times that I complain about them. Mostly I complain about hearing Andy 24/7. But I miss them. Just like I miss Magan being around.
I know I act like I don't. But I do. If it weren't for Liz being around, I'd probably be more broody then usual.
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[06 Jun 2005|09:36am] |
Prom is coming up soon. Which means I need to still get a tux and a corsage for Liz. I'm definitely cutting it to the wire. But it'll work out I'll get the stuff I need. I'm not all that worried.
I do remember the last big dance. Melissa stopped eating and fainted. I was with Jess at that time and knew about Melissa's problem. So I ran to go help her out which really angered Jess. Hopefully this time, something like that won't happen again. Because I'm not up for playing the rescuing hero again and pissing off girlfriends.
Actually, I've started to see Tia around more and more lately. I guess she's coming out of whatever hole she has been hiding in. It will be nice to actually talk to her again.
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[22 Apr 2005|08:27am] |
I can't believe my sister! I was walking on the beach going to one of my favorite places to just think and reflect on stuff. And I happen to run into Magan with some guy all over her. That definitely did not improve my mood.
I was nice. For Magan's sake. But next time I see her at home, her and I will have a serious talk. That guy better not try anything funny with my sister. Cause if he does he'll have me to deal with. I most definitely will have to talk to her about this guy.
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[14 Nov 2004|03:37pm] |
It's official. I'm no longer dating girls that have been going to SVH. I'm sticking to the El Carro crowd. Jess and I broke up. More like she wanted to end it with me. She suggested it. And me being the person I am, I didn't argue. I don't let my heart on the floor so girls can step on it.
She can't handle that Melissa is my friend. I handle that Devon is her friend. But she can't handle Melissa is mine. So that's the end of it. And that's the end of the Conner that Jessica ever saw. That Conner left somewhere and just isn't coming back. Now the me that she will see is the one that everyone else back at El Carro saw.
And speaking of Melissa, her and I have gotten to be really close in the time I've gotten to know her. Despite what people have said about her, she's a really great girl. I want to get to know her more. Magan will kill me for that if she finds out. Since I've gotten her and Jess to be really close. But I really want to get to know Melissa and be around her more.
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[04 Nov 2004|12:51am] |
So where exactly do I begin? Homcoming was less than what I would have really liked it to have been. I got crowned Prince, which wasn't half bad. Was more surprising because those things aren't my style. I know I was picked because Jessica was up for Princess. I think my face probably showed how shocked I was. But Jess won too.
That's not half of it. I was right about the dangerous game Melissa was playing with her dieting. She passed out in front of everyone there! It freaked me out and I went to see if she was okay. She's fine now. It scared me. Because I don't want anything to happen to her like that. I couldn't stop thinking about if she was alright, but I ran into her at the beach and she's good. I told her about my decision not to tell anyone, including Jess. And she's glad I hadn't. I ended up telling her things I wouldn't have. Stuff about my relationship with Jess. And she gets me. She understands the way I see things. I expect Tia would have more since she's my best friend. But to hear someone who I don't know and haven't talked to much, taking my side, was nice.
The only thing is Jessica doesn't understand about any of it. I know she's trying to. I know this has probably hurt her and I. I hear the things people say. They don't bother me because I don't give a shit about what people think. But I know it's bothering her. I didn't set out to be a hero. I didn't want things to happen the way they happened. But they did.
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[10 Oct 2004|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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 worried |
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I officially asked Jessica to Homecoming with me yesterday. And of course she agreed. I know we were planning on going together anyway. I just wanted to make her feel special by formally asking her. And I'm letting her get the suit for me so that way it'll match her dress. I know this comes as a big shocker. Conner McDermott going to a school dance. Going anywhere where there's a bunch of people grouped together.
Jessica is up for princess so I want to support her and go with her. Plus it's always a good way to see her all dressed up and hair done, makeup in place. Because I know she will look absolutely perfect. She's gonna beat out the competition, even though she was competing against one of her friends. And of course Cherie. Which she still will win against.
Mentioning Cherie reminded me of something. I was going down the hallway in school and I found this book on the ground. I wasn't attempting to pry, I had to open the notebook to see if it belonged to someone so I could return it or something. It was Melissa's. Which my first reaction was great, I gotta return it to Melissa now. But I caught a glimpse of what was actually in it. Melissa is keeping a journal of what she eats. And she's starving herself. Which I don't see why, she's not fat, she is on the cheerleading squad, she works out and so she's fine.
I don't want to go into a freak out mode and start assuming she's becoming an anexoric. But this isn't normal. Especially for her. And to be honest, it's worring me. I can't go to Jess about this since they aren't friends. And I assume Cherie doesn't even know. I guess I'll have to actually confront Melissa about it. Well, to give her the journal back I'll have to. And then what do I say to her?
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[05 Oct 2004|08:12pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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On the Way Down - Ryan Cabrera |
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I never thought I would be one to admit something like this. But Jessica and I are having problems. And it's all because of Devon. Sometimes I want to punch him at work. It takes everything out of me to keep my cool and sometimes I still snap at him. But I'm sure he doesn't know the difference he just thinks it's me being myself.
I understand and accept him and Jess' friendship. That's not the problem. But I don't really care for Jess and him getting into compromising positions, getting undressed and all that kind of crap. I don't pull that shit with Tee. And even if Tee has seen me half naked before. We grew up around each other, as much as I feel weird saying it, our mothers bathed each other together when we were babies. She has been my best friend all my life. And besides, it's not like Tia is seeing me in my boxers and her and I are getting into positions while I've been dating Jess.
But Jessica is acting like it's not a big deal. That I should be more than okay with this. But when I say something about well how would you like if I pulled all that with Tia? I get shit that I would be doing it out of spite to her. Maybe I should have realized that girls like Jess are just going to want their cake and eat it too. She wants to be devoted to me but then wants the freedom to flirt with guys. But it's okay so long as I'm not doing it out of spite to her.
Maybe girls at SVH are nothing but barbies and I'm better off sticking to the El Carro girls. Girls who don't like to play games, and let you know up front what the deal is. At least after pouring everything out to Tia, she agrees with me that I'm not the one being stupid here. Even though I wonder if I am being stupid. A part of me does. It was nice just to talk with Tia again and be around her. Cause I missed having her around. And of course getting up to our usual chaos again.
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[08 Sep 2004|04:35pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Pearl Jam - Alive |
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Here school has started and I'm already done with it. At least it's my Senior Year so it's almost over. Although now they're gonna want you to think about college. I'm lucky if I graduate, my head isn't into thinking about colleges at the moment.
It was really nice to walk with Tia and Andy inside the building on our first day. Somehow I always pictured the three of us walking into the El Carro building, ruling our school. Funny how things really do change. I never thought I'd end up dating someone like Jessica either. I really never thought I'd even talk to someone like her. It proves I made a lot of assumptions about things. Of course there are certain assumptions that still stay the same. I won't really get into those.
Jessica told me about this dream she had with Aaron and how he was dying. I felt bad for her that she had to have a horrible dream about someone she knows like that. I'd probably feel the same if it was Magan, Tia or even Andy. And I nearly did overreact when she said she wanted to be with him to watch over him all the time. Glad I thought about what I wanted to say before I actually said it. Or I wouldn't have gotten to be able to sing her The Reason. And seeing her face when I sang it, was all I needed to see.
She is the reason I'm not entirely the same person I was before.
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| Jess' Birthday Surprise |
[20 Jun 2004|05:06pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Nickleback - Someday |
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My plan to surprise Jess for her birthday, worked out better than I hoped. I was a bit nervous that she wasn't going to meet me at Secca Lake. I figured she would have been upset that I didn't know it was her birthday. I was so glad when I saw her car drive up.
I planned out this really nice picnic, which I admit I had to have help with. And then after having dinner, I serenaded her with one of the songs I had written. I thought she might not like it. But she cried. She was having tears in her eyes. She never looked more beautiful like that.
Afterwards, we curled up together and watched the sun starting to set. It was amazing. The only thing is, I can't share this with anyone. Although I'm sure a sappy Conner is not what Tia or Andy would expect. Me being sappy isn't something I would expect. I'm never this way with anyone. Even Tia or Andy, my best friends. Or my ex Alannah.
But despite this change, I don't care how anyone really thinks of me. I talked with Devon before Secca Lake. He said he didn't think I was so cheesy. Which pretty much, the comment rolled off my back. I know he's Jess' friend, but I could care less what he or anyone else thinks. Well, with the exception of Tia, Andy and Magan. And now Jess. All her friends, the rest of the El Carro crowd, all of them I don't care about.
So if the old El Carro crowd thinks I'm a traitor, let them. If Jess' friends think I've got an attitude or I'm cheesy, don't really care. I'm still the same old Conner with his sarcasm and moodiness. I've just developed a softer side that with Jess' help, came through.
|McD|
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[12 Jun 2004|04:30pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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I talked to Jess on the phone the other day. She actually didn't laugh when I mentioned to her that I write song lyrics. And that at that moment I was writing a love song. Andy and Tia would probably kill me if they ever found that out. They sort of know that I do write lyrics out.
The Name the Band contest is over with. And Magan won it. I definitely am not thrilled that she's going out on a date. With an older guy. She's my sister and I personally think she's too young to date. The guy she picks better not try anything funny either. Or else I will go after him. Devon and Brian seem decent enough. I don't trust the rich Ken they have.
But Jess has to go out on a date with Winston since they really liked his entry too. I'll admit I'm a little annoyed that it's not me that'll be with her. But jealous? Nah I'm not. She'll tell me all about it probably.
Hmm that gives me an idea...
|McD|
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[08 Jun 2004|12:54pm] |
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mood |
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good |
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Jess and I. Are. Dating. You'll have to forgive the pauses. I think I'm still in awe that she's actually my girlfriend. Girlfriend. Wow I haven't said that word in forever. I never thought it could be. The head cheerleader could capture my attention.
I was always definitely against her type. Girls who were flighty and into themselves and the hottest guy. But Jess is different. She doesn't try and pull the typical flirt techniques that would supposedly lure any guy in. I think when it's just her and me, that's the real Jess you never get to see.
I haven't told Tia or Andy yet. I'm afraid they'll freak out. Maybe even think that I'm a sellout or something for going against beliefs I've long held. Tia may even be more upset. Since things have been weird around each other. I just don't know I'll have to talk to them individually. I don't think I could handle both of them together and if they're mad, it's worse.
Magan is up to something. I can feel it. Sometimes I think she follows me. At least I get that creey feeling that I'm being followed. Maybe it's just paranoia. But regardless, she is still planning something. All I need to do is find out her plan.
|McD|
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[23 May 2004|02:43pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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Orgy - Blue Monday |
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I haven't written in here in awhile. Just been a lot that's gone on that I haven't had much time to talk about it all. Day in the life of Conner never gets any rest. Maybe there needs to be an angst free Conner day. I was going to say week, but that's just too long to live up to.
I got to watch all the guys prance around as the slaves for the day. Very amusing I must admit. I think some people got life worse than others. Girls out there can be ruthless to the guys. But at least I wasn't a part of the stupidity.
I think I've learned my lesson. No more drunken beaches with my best friend. I mean... things are just so awkward now with Tia and I. And secretly it drives me nuts. I mean, I can't remember everything, but just enough to know that it's gotten messed up. Tia and I don't really spend time just us anymore. The tension is somewhat relieved when Andy's around.
And then there's Jess. I find myself starting to open up to her. I thnk I'm really starting to see her for who she is, not based on who she gives off to people at SVH. She's actually not bad to talk to. I'm not exactly good with the whole journal thing. I'm more into putting my thoughts into lyrics. That's how I express myself better. And besides nobody ever sees those anyway.
There's a name the band competition. I was going to enter it, but don't have many ideas for band names. Maybe I'll come up with something..
|McD|
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[06 May 2004|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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I can't believe Tia told me about Andy being... well gay. I mean I guess things that he said and did start to make more sense now. But it's just hard getting a bit used to it. Of course if anyone tries to harass him, I will definitely make sure they don't. He's my friend and I'm sticking beside him.
I had this encounter with the ever popular Jessica Wakefield. We met up at the cafe and talked. I never thought I'd see the day. Me chatting with one of the Queen Barbies. I think Tia would kill me for this. But, it wasn't so bad really. She didn't act as airheaded as I thought she would. I guess maybe now when I run into her, I won't have to put on such a fake act. I always feel like I have to be nice to them or else they may cry. Ruin the fake makeup they have put on.
Sometimes when I see Jessica in the halls, she acts like how I think she is. The typical California Queen Barbie. Complete with the fake friends and fake Kens that litter this school. But then I compare that to talking to her in the cafe, and I wonder if that's just the act she puts on. That she's not necessarily like that when she's alone and not putting on a show for the entire school.
Ah screw it. I'm starting to think way too deep. I need to call Tia, see what she's up to. And find out what she's planning to do with Andy now that she won him.
|McD|
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[27 Apr 2004|07:48pm] |
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mood |
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complacent |
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music |
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The Remedy = Jason Mraz |
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I've never been good with writing down my feelings, its just not a thing I do. Now writing songs, sarcastic comebacks, I'm all over that. Guess most people would say its pretty much the same thing, except you add your lyrics to music, and this, I wouldn't really want to add to music.
So I've been gone for a while, I thought I owed my dear old dad some of my time. It was fun while it lasted, I mostly spent time in coffee houses, clubs, just losing myself in the surrounding areas.
But Im back in Sweet Valley now. Back to all the Matel® look-a-likes and all the other bull that SVH prides itself in being a part of. And I guess I owe Tia and Andy an explanation as to where I was...maybe they didn't even notice?...
|McD|
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